I’ve been feeling really scattered these days. I hate feeling scattered. It seems to mess with just about everything I love–My joy, peace, hope, vulnerability and many other things.
The thing with feeling scattered is that it may have a good origin. For instance, I began my very own podcast which my kids just found Alexa will play from iTunes 🙂 I also got together an e-book for my newsletter subscribers about my journey with bipolar disorder. Both are things I have wanted to do for a while and…I did!
So, some of my scattering is a happy thing. But, yes, it still is taking adjustment to fit an on-going podcast into my life. It takes work to add things with honesty and vulnerability.
But some of my busy mind comes from a pretty big disappointment. My ‘Plan A’ for this next season of my life has been to complete a Masters program beginning this coming Fall. However, I found out last week that I am essentially ‘wait-listed’ for it.
It fell pretty hard on me. Mostly, because I really believed that I had heard clearly from God in pursuing the degree. It had also put the rest of my life in perspective. Pursuing this degree, meant I would let go of taking any further steps with my book, because I couldn’t do both and stay sane in the other areas of my life. I truly was at peace–the rich God-kind of peace.
And now? Oh my, I have been a whirlwind of unsurity. Did I mention I hate uncertainty? I know I am not alone in this.
This state of being has made me grasp for something to set my eyes upon. I picked the book back up, trying to make a go of it. And, on one hand, I have felt freedom to do that.
Yet…
I know all of my plans coming to fruition will never be enough. I walk a messy, broken road home and that is a vulnerable thing–to admit what is under all of this. Which leads me to say; vulnerability is not situational, it’s intentional.
We commit to it just like we do to a marriage, or close friendship, or to Jesus himself. It took me a few weeks to sit down and write a new post about vulnerability. In part, because I was busy with many things, not the least of which was nursing my disappointment. But too, I wasn’t making the choice to write out the vulnerable. I let other things take priority.
Whenever that happens, I lose something so powerful, so vital. I get out of touch with myself, what and who I am seeking, the brokenness and sin operating in me, and ultimately the intimacy found in knowing the heart of God.
So, I am being vulnerable about it all, right here, right now. I am choosing to post this with a good bit of uncertainty and a lot of residual fear of getting it wrong. And, even more than writing it, I am living it before God, knowing He loves to meet me in my need.
Make the choice today to be vulnerable before others, and especially God. In doing so, you are finding your way Home.
iTunes link to My ‘Messy Life Mighty Love’ podcast
(or listen directly from the podcast page on my blog–just click the button in the middle at the top of the page)
