I turn the corner on the tall cement apartment buildings. I cross the street and walk by the modern Catholic church. I descend the hill and if I have timed it just right, it’s there. The glory of the sunset. Its rich hues from fuchsia to violet to corral are breathtaking. Suddenly there is nothing of circumstances–the struggles, the failures, the loneliness or despair. There are only naked eyes which behold.
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
II Corinthians 3:18 ESV (emphasis mine)
I remember the exact moment when this verse became the great gift it is to me. I was in a small group study and our teacher spoke from it. She was a diligent worker who earned my respect. This made it all the more impacting when she said, ‘All I have to do is behold the glory of the Lord’. In this moment, I was captivated. My struggles were as they always have been–the two thieves. Either incessant striving for approval, or the plague of failure when I am not meeting the standards I set. But these words were a clarion call to bring to life a different story.
You see, my journey these past two and more years, has been under the failure which intense battle with mental illness brings. The voices of doom rising up to call me ‘unworthy’, ‘unloved’, ‘unnamed’, ‘unseen’ have bellowed their triumphant chorus.
Yet, no. And I say it again ‘no’!
My success or failure is nothing compared to the glory of the Lord. It is so overpowering, so overwhelming there is no room for success of failure. No room for accolade or punishment. No room for a puffed-up or deflated view of self. There is only the perfection of God’s glory.
It remains painful to look back on my time living in Budapest. There are many sweet things, memories of family and friendship which, one day, will become the cherished things which remain. But the deepest strains continue to speak of struggle, failure, insufficiency which culminated in nearly a month of hell and the irreparable crumbling of the life we had built.
Yet, no. And I say it again ‘no’! Can I call forth a new story? Even now, can the deepest strains be, rather, those of glory?
Those walks up the hill in Gazdagrét are some of the purest gold of a faith refined. I can still feel what it was, in every season, to turn that corner, at times hear the chimes of church bells, and open my eyes to glory. In those moments, God and His splendor were all that was true. I didn’t have to be anybody or do anything. I didn’t have to beat myself up over today’s failures. I didn’t have to wonder if I was truly loved.
It isn’t an ethereal thing, this glory. It is something of great substance. It is with unveiled face that we behold. In the times before Jesus’ life, death and resurrection, the veil was worn to shield the eyes from glory. Yet this glory was tied to what was passing away as Jesus came to bring new life. Because of this, we view with the naked eye a far surpassing glory than even Moses saw. It is a glory which changes us.
We now are becoming altogether new. And the amazing economy of God, it happens gaze upon gaze. It happens as we lift our eyes to him in the overt beauty of a sunset. But it also happens when we put down our work to get on the ground and play legos with our child. It happens in the choice to turn the other cheek on another’s anger and instead, live love. Whenever we look to God and see who He is as more than what’s in front of us, we behold glory.
Yet, this glory does not pass glibly over our deep pain. No. It is a glory which knows us and more, bears the full mark of redemption. God buying back all that’s wrong. It’s a glory which reaches into our wounds and whispers love. ‘Yes, I know. You are seen. I hold every tear. I know every intimate detail of your pain. I bear the scars of a world gone wrong and the great hope of triumph. Look to me and you will never, ever be led astray. But rather, you will be healed by glory.’
Find your hill, beloved. Know your place to behold glory. Be changed from one degree of glory to another. This is your only work until all of us beholders are face to face with God.
