“Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Psalm 34:5
Shame. It is the sense there is something wrong with us, about us. Â
It’s spawned in the garden. There is innocence, perfection, walking in the cool of the day with God. Then pervasive tragedy and a great fall. And the man and woman who had only known the smile of God are suddenly, completely, irrevocably cloaked in shame.
They make a sad attempt to cover their shame by fig leaves and hiding. But they are found. The perfection of God slips infinitely far from earth. But before, in the unstoppable strains of his mercy, he makes the first animal sacrifice to clothe them. He gives of his beauty to cover their shame.
And He has never stopped. He is always giving of himself to heal our shame. Ultimately he has given the most precious part of Himself, his only Son, to bear our shame. He bears the marks of those first moments of sin, his heart broken. And He has always suffered the pain of this lost world. He looks, as we do, to the day when redemption is complete and our shame is taken away forever.
My journey with shame is a long, arduous one. As is yours. Whether we realize it or not, shame is always present. Most of the time, we can’t recognize it because we do what Adam and Eve did. We sew together our fig leaves of performance, distraction, defensiveness and many more. In our own strength and will, we try to cover what is not right about us. We look to our own selves to rid us of our shame.
But it will never work. Shame seeps through whatever we do.
Ask me how I know.
I have lived and still live this battle with shame. I have performed, pleased, distracted, denied and finally given into the despair of it. Deep down I have always known it is too much for me. But like this man and woman of old, I have tried still to rid myself of it.
Until my story was changed forever.
On that hospital bed in Budapest, wrists and ankles tied to the corners, I had no more defense. In a hospital gown only, a real and symbolical representation of the shame of this broken world heaped upon me, I could no longer cover myself.
I had nothing left. There was no amount of performing my way out of the utter weakness I was. I was a wispy thing and I didn’t know which was greater–me or my shame.
I can tell you all the right answers. There is no shame in mental illness. (and there isn’t) It is a chemical imbalance which is physiological. (and it is)Â I am not defined by it. (and I’m not) There is no ‘less-than’ with it. (no, there isn’t) It is not a sin to have bipolar disorder. (no, it’s not)
But this falls far short of the hissing lies which come with such a journey. I feel like Eve must have felt as the lies of Satan continued to haunt her. He would have heaped shame upon shame in an attempt to choke out her hope.
At the end of the day, shame comes as a phantom to steal the good out of life.
So, how am I, are you, even now, truly healed from our shame?
Look to Him.
We look to Jesus. We let Him melt away our shame. We recognize Him as a fierce warrior. We see Him go back to the very birth of shame in the garden. He stands between Eve and her Enemy and says ‘No more!’ He is emphatic and triumphant and true. He bids us know He is real and His healing is deeper than anything else we will ever know.Â
And He longs to touch us in the deepest place and from there shine forth a radiance which is brilliant and complete. He asks us to give Him all of our performance, our hiding, our angry defenses. He says he knows. We are the recipients of a tragic, fallen legacy. To be human is to know shame. But He is making all things new. One day there will be no more shame…forever! He asks us to begin that journey now and look to Him.
Won’t you join me in looking to Him? It is a long road home, but with our eyes on Him we can know true healing. We can shine the light of His love, His freedom, like the radiant Bride we are called to be. For underneath the shame is the true beauty of the garden, of Adam and Eve, of a world where all the fallen is redeemed.
